SG-1 Fic: Body Snatcher (PG-13)

[what_works]

Fandom: Stargate: SG-1
Title: Body Snatcher
Author: Em
Rating: PG-13 for implied slash
Word Count: ~380
Spoilers: missing scene for "Crusade"
Characters: Jack/Daniel, Vala
Prompt: 076. Who? (Big Damn Table)
Summary: Jack gets a strange phone call from Daniel.
Notes: written for stargatefic100. This humorous fic was inspired by comments from fangirljen and purple_shoes, as well as another fic I am plotting.
Recced: Recced on crack_van by duonoaikouka


076. Who?:
Body Snatcher


"Hellooo, Jack," Daniel purrs into the phone.

"Daniel?" It's a little odd for Daniel to sound so . . . relaxed.

"Miss me?"

"What?" I juggle the phone to keep it from hitting the floor.

"I asked if you missed me." He sounds like he's grinning, the goofy little grin he gets when he shakes his head back and forth like the smug little bastard he is.

"Uh . . . Daniel?" I lean back in my chair and pick at the wall. "Should you be in quarantine?"

The laugh isn't quite Daniel's; it's a little too high-pitched, flighty, flirty. "No, Darling. But there is some place I should be—"

"'Darling?'"

"—in your bed, waiting for you to get home. Stripped, oiled, and patiently waiting. . . . Just. For. You."

"Uh. . . ." I shift in my chair, pulling at the fabric at my thigh. Dress pants are much too constricting for this conversation. Clothes, in general, are too constricting for the image Daniel has just painted.

"You're getting hard aren't you?"

I slowly unclench my fingers and inhale quietly, trying to regain control of the thrumming in my head. "No."

"You are." His voice is much too self-confident. I can't remember a time he's ever been this seductive. "You're hard for me."

"Daniel, I. . . ." Daniel has never been seductive like this. He's never been this careless either, calling me from the base, speaking so openly. . . .

I narrow my eyes because Daniel knows when I narrow my eyes, even if he can't see it. Daniel knows when to stop playing around.

"Something you want to whisper in my ear?" he purrs.

I try for nonchalance, but still snap, "Which version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers is going on at the SGC now?"

"Shit," is quickly followed by the dial tone.

I blink, click the receiver, and then start dialing numbers. It takes almost a half-hour to get Carter on the phone, nearly an hour before I get a straight answer, and is over an hour before my hard-on goes away.

Of course, it takes several days to forget about Daniel's quiet purr.

I may never recover from Vala's dirty talk.


~Comments and feedback are appreciated. And earn cookies.

Comments

[overchay.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD. This was a much-needed scene :x lmfao wow That was so great. <3

[theemdash]

*snicker* I'm glad you enjoyed it. Oh, the things that happen when one person asks, "How do you think Jack would react to Vala being in Daniel's body?"

[lark_ascends]

As much as I don't see slash between those two, that was great.

Very funny.

[theemdash]

I'm glad that you were still able to read it and laugh. That was, of course, the entire intention. ;)

[amnellwyvern.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahaha!! That's just too perfect *snicker*

[theemdash]

1. Your icon rocks.

2. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

Oh, and she so, so would! And what does it say that she knows who to call?

Brilliant :-)

[theemdash]

Heh heh heh... I had considered that. I also considered how she'd find Jack's phone number and figured it would be the first number on Daniel's speed dial. ;)

So glad you enjoyed it.

[ewanspotter.livejournal.com]

HEE! I wish you would have continued this, that's too great. :)

[theemdash]

You mean written Jack's conversation with Carter? Nah... I think it works better as a short fic like this.

Besides, this isn't my last fic of Vala in Daniel. Heh heh heh... poor guy. Vala and I are tag teaming him. ;)

[sorcha-gaia.livejournal.com]

Okay, that just frickin' rocked! What a great little vignette! Nicely done! :)

[theemdash]

Heh heh heh... thank you. I aim for rocking.

Poor Jack, he has enough trouble handing Daniel.

[green-grrl.livejournal.com]

I am laughing helplessly!!! Too perfect! You know that's exactly what she did. And her not having the J/D telepathy thing, that's exactly how she got caught! *loves*

[theemdash]

Hee! I made you helpless! ;)

I love how she reacts when she gets caught. There's also this behind-the-scenes moment of "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be doing something." ;)

Thanks for commenting!

[whisper99.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO!!!

[theemdash]

So glad you enjoyed it. ;)

[sid]

Geez, I may never recover from Vala's dirty talk, either. Especially the oiled part. *drools*

Too funny!

[theemdash]

Can you imagine him oiled? Guuuh. ;)

Glad you enjoyed it.

[lt-kitty.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. Phone sex! This is the first thing I thought of when I heard the spoilers!

Okay, actually the first thing I thought of was a scene where Daniel asks the rest of the team if Vala behaved while borrowing his body and Mitchell gives him all sorts of BS about her hooking up with SG-3 and having phone sex with General O'Neill after finding the number on his speed dial. Because MS does the "WTF???" look soooo well. And because I am perverse and evil.

[theemdash]

Heh heh... I love your scene! ;)

I am also perverse and evil. I have another fic I'm working on that will be much more embarrassing.

Thanks for commenting.

[lmichelle599.livejournal.com]

LOL!

[theemdash]

Heee. I know you love our dirty girl.

[bloodygoodgirl.livejournal.com]

Clothes, in general, are too constricting for the image Awesome line. A very fun and flirty (not to mention it totally happened) scene.

[theemdash]

Heh heh... glad you enjoyed it. I love scene in which Vala and Jack get to interact.

[lunachickk.livejournal.com]

OMGROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HA! That would have made the perfect missing scene! Vala SO would have done that!

[theemdash]

Heh. Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. ;)

[pixie-a-la-mode.livejournal.com]

*has choked on popcorn* ZOMG! VALA YOU DIRTY GIRL! Poor Jack! They must actully meet some time. I would die.

[theemdash]

*has choked on popcorn*

Ut-oh. I hope my insurance covers this....

Vala is a dirty evil girl. Who is probably quite turned on by the thought of Jack and Daniel together. What can I say? I find that I have much in common with her. ;)

[teddibear.livejournal.com]

*snorfle* *dies laughing* *would fall outta bed if the laptop wasn't holding her down*

Jack is too smart for his own good. *snorfle*

[theemdash]

*snicker* I'm so glad others are as tickled by this as I am. ;)

Should I put in a warning that people should fasten their seatbelts before reading?

[athlantis.livejournal.com]

ROTF

Poor Jack, getting his hopes up ;)

naughty Vala is always fun!!!!

thanks for sharing, short and right to the point: frustrated Jack and caughted-red-handed Vala

[theemdash]

I love Vala caught red-handed. ;)

Glad you enjoyed it!

[roadrunner1896.livejournal.com]

Teehee.

Poor Jack getting his ahem, hopes all up. ;)

But he knows his Daniel so well that he caught Vala's prank. Heehee. *snuggles all three of them*

[theemdash]

I second that teehee and that snuggle. I love them. A scene with the three of them would be lovely, no? ;)

[xfirefly9x.livejournal.com]

*smirks* Sooooo good! =P

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

lolol Love it.

[theemdash]

Thanks. This one is just silly (and totally needed to be written).

[terrible-tues.livejournal.com]

You rock! Thank you for this.

[theemdash]

Thanks for reading it and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Huh. I'm having an influx of replies to this one. Did it get recced recently and I missed it? I like to thank reccers.

[ninja007.livejournal.com]

Priceless!!!

[theemdash]

Heh. If you liked that one, you should read Trust Me.

[tresa-cho.livejournal.com]

Hee, lovely. Something good Vala can do for Jack and Daniel. Yum.

[theemdash]

Ha! Jack will be fantasizing about Vala's dirty talk to a looooooong time. ;)

Thanks for commenting!

[getaway-machine.livejournal.com]

ahahaha, I love Vala. XD

[theemdash]

I love Vala, too. She makes so much sense. ♥

Body Snatcher by what_works (Em) sg1jack/vala!daniel

[terrible-tues-3.livejournal.com]

This was shockingly funny.

"Which version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers is going on at the SGC now?"

"Shit," is quickly followed by the dial tone.