Saiyuki/HP Fic: Shut Up (PG-13)

[what_works]

Fandom: Saiyuki/Harry Potter
Title: Shut Up
Author: Em
Rating: PG-13 for sexual innuendo
Word Count: ~340
Characters: Sanzo, Sirius
Summary: Sanzo's fan for idiots proves useless against one idiot.
Dedication: for chelle86 who inspires crack!fic regularly
Notes: Originally written as crack comment!fic over a year ago, I'm adding it to the archive for posterity (naturally). First posted here.


Shut Up

"Would you shut up?" Sanzo's fan strikes harder with each assault.

"I just asked if you had on anything under those robes." Sirius did his best to shield his head. "Some people don't. Personally, as much as I enjoy being free, I find that accidental peeks at the Most Noble and Ancient Family Jewels tends to leave a wake of unconscious birds."

Sanzo hits him three more times, only growling.

"Not that there's anything wrong with unconscious birds! But it's much better if I've purposely made them unconscious—through mind-numbing shagging, of course."

Sanzo throws down the fan and pulls out his gun. "Shut up." He fires a round just past Sirius's left cheek. It's close enough to make his hair billow.

"Oooooh!" Sirius leans close to the gun. "Is this a gun? I've never seen one." He places one long finger against his lower lip and looks up at Sanzo with an innocent blink. "It's kind of small."

Sanzo's special vein, the one he usually saves for Gojyo, throbs in rapid time.

"Not that size really matters," Sirius continues to blather, "but it certainly helps for the initial reveal, if you get what I mean." Sirius over exaggerates his wink to drive home his meaning.

Sanzo holds his gun to his temple, muttering underneath Sirius's continued chatter, "This would be so much easier."

---

Bonus Scene!

Sirius waves his wand on Sanzo's next backswing. When Sanzo strikes, a pair of lacy black panties catches in Sirius's outstretched hand.

"Oh, Sanzo, I had no idea," Sirius purrs.

Sanzo's face slackens, the color spilling out and dripping on to his robes. His eye twitches, but it's not that special pissed-off twitch, it's more like a death rattle, the residual neurons firing in his brain just before the last bits of oxygen are used up.

Sirius twists the panties in his hand, dragging Sanzo closer, pulling their faces together.

"So, think I can convince you into these?"

A hard line snaps on Sanzo's mouth and suddenly Sirius is eating dirt.

"You can take that as a 'no'."


~Comments and feedback never shut me up.

Comments

[getaway-machine.livejournal.com]

...I really believe that this may be the best thing that I have ever read in my entire life.

Well. In my entire crack!life, perhaps. :D

[theemdash]

Heh heh heh . . . at least it amused other people. *snickers*

I'm sad though because I didn't know where to post it where people would actually read it. That's the problem with crossovers, you know.

[inksheddings.livejournal.com]

I think I love you. *g* This is brilliant.

[theemdash]

*snickers* I fully accept all forms of love.

[gen50.livejournal.com]

interesting. but short.
you should write a full-blown fic or ficlet.
something with a clear beginning and a clear end.

something i/d like to read.
well, a crackfic if you like.
but not this short sketch. too short.
though funny.

[soliandxpyne.livejournal.com]

o gad, thank you a lot, i'm crying and it stings for some reason!!! maybe my hands are dirty?? ahhhh IT BURNS! ::laughing SO HARD:: /(TヮT)\ oh sweet jesus i didnt even know i needed this until i read it. now i cant help but imagine gojyo hitting on remus, and the Drama! that would incur.... and why do i think james and goku would get on wonderfully?

James: *brandishes wand* ta-daa! *food appears*

Goku: ....Oh my god! =*______,__*=

[soliandxpyne.livejournal.com]

did i mention you made my day?? cuz you totally did. ♥

[morningstar4.livejournal.com]

LOL! So in character and so funny. ;D I agree that you should make this into a longer fic so we can see how the two first meet up and all the hilarity that ensues.

[theemdash]

I used to hate crossovers! What happened to me? ;)

[theemdash]

I think the concept for a ficlet would be funnier than the actual fic. *snickers* I'm glad you enjoyed even the short, incomplete version.

[theemdash]

Ha ha! *snickers* I can imagine James being so amused by the fact that Goku can eat and eat and eat. I sort of see him going, "What can I get him to eat now?" Also, I'm convinced that Remus is just a later incarnation of Hakkai. *nodnods*

I'm glad I could break you in the right way. ;)

[morningstar4.livejournal.com]

Same here. ;) But hey, I've been considering a Saiyuki/TMNT fic for a long time now. So I guess we're both a little insane.

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

Pure unadulterated crack ♥ This ficlet is too awesome, it kills me to read it, hehehe. And even though it's crack it is still just so them!

[theemdash]

I'm glad I could amuse you so much. ♥

[theemdash]

You know what's insane? I'm very seriously contemplating a length FMA/SG-1 crossover. Like, seriously. I feel totally insane.

[morningstar4.livejournal.com]

Hee hee...well, you know, as long as you can pull it off, I say go for it. And for the record, I totally think you can.

[ttiot.livejournal.com]

XDD

That's funny, and you managed to keep them pretty IC Great work! :D

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

;_; Oh, do!!!! PLEASE! I once spent a week looking for SG1/FMA crossovers and couldn't find anything decent. But if you wrote it...wow *-*

[theemdash]

Heh. I'm so grateful to have your support. ;)

[theemdash]

The only bad thing is that I think I only know 4 people who would read it, including myself. :P But don't worry, that's not stopping me. I'm trying to work out all the physics (and get an outline—I can't believe I'm outlining) and then I'll get started. But, yeah, I am doing it.

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

YAY! \o/ I'll, uh, try and arm-wrestle people into reading it? XD

Oooh, so awesome <3 Em = made of win!

[theemdash]

Is it wrong that I'm thinking of inserting Jack/Daniel just to try to lure in some of my friends?

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

No? XD If it makes more people read the fic (and hooks them on to FMA!) then go for it!

[theemdash]

Thanks. I had a lot of fun with this little crack ficlet.

[theemdash]

*is insanely insane* :D

[purpleicicles.livejournal.com]

*fully endorses the crack*

I'm sooo glad you used Sirius - he's my fave HP character X)

And 'special vein'... *snerk*

[theemdash]

*snickers* I do love it when my flist inspires insane crossovers.

Glad you enjoyed it!