Buffy Fic: You'll Never Know It (PG)

[what_works]

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Title: You'll Never Know It
Author: Em
Rating: PG for adult themes
Word Count: ~400
Spoilers: set Season 7, "Seeing Red," "Villains"
Pairing: Spike/Tara
Prompt: Spike/Tara
Summary: Spike finds out what happened at the end of "Seeing Red" . . . about four months later.
Dedication: For ladydewinter
Notes: Written as part of the 2005 Gift Fic Project for my flist.
Special thanks to supercheesegirl for betaing duties.



You'll Never Know It


It's a rainy day when I finally find out you're gone; they didn't tell me right away. I made some off-hand comment about you. Buffy dropped her eyes, shuffled her feet, and then mumbled that you were dead. Willow quietly left the room.

I wasn't here for your funeral—half way round the world, entirely round the world, whatever—and then I spent 3 months crazy, all for Buffy. Which was bloody stupid because I should have been crazy for grief over you.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.

You smiled at me, always, and made me feel normal, alive—like I was there and mattered and wasn't just a sodding walking corpse. I didn't know I'd want that—need that—from you. You witches were so happy that I never thought about disrupting it.

I asked—once—about you. I figured Dawn would be the most sympathetic, the least likely to give a sarcastic retort or to laugh when the words hit me. She said she had found you, but Willow watched you die. I punched the wall; scared Dawn enough that her lip quivered even though the rest of her didn't.

You know it took Will a day to track Warren down? A day. She had all that power and yet she lacked the one essential skill of a predator. Then she killed him, snuffed out his life in moments. There was torture, screaming, and pain (I get that more from Willow's face, her hesitation with magic), but nothing lasting. All that power and she let him die. Willow wasn't really evil—she was in it, yeah, but evil, really evil? Warren should have been insane, tortured until begging for his life, and then forced to live forever. He could have been turned into the monster he longed to be—damned forever—but Willow let him die.

I wouldn't have.

I know something about evil. You don't—didn't—that's what I loved about you. You could see it, but you didn't know it.

I'm almost glad you died because now you'll never know it, never know me, and you'll keep smiling at me because you don't know how often I dream of torturing Warren, or how often I bleed in anger over what I didn't know I should want, or how often I wake up with your name on my lips.

Tara.



~Comments and feedback are appreciated.

Comments

[ladydewinter.livejournal.com]

Thank you! ♥ I really like this - first of all, that he wouldn't find out until later and second, what he thinks about Tara.


I know something about evil. You don't—didn't—that's what I loved about you. You could see it, but you didn't know it.


*sighs*

[theemdash]

Oh! I'm so so glad you liked it! I really struggled with this one. Yay!

[nyghtpet.livejournal.com]

Oh that was wonderful. So regretful and lonely. I love the time/perspective of it too, and Spike's anger at her death too.

Thanks for sharing this!

[theemdash]

Thanks for reading and commenting. :D

[dedra.livejournal.com]

excellent...I always thought that it was demeaning to Tara that once she was gone, she was gone, without anyone ever sharing memories or Spike ever asking...implications of knowledge were made, but still...liked this fic, nice addition to the Jossverse...

[theemdash]

I always thought that they handled death quite well on the show, but I did notice that we never saw anyone tell Spike that Tara was dead. Which was a little sad. It made me wonder if they didn't tell him for so long becuase they figured he wouldn't care.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

*sniffles* Heartbreaking. Poor Tara. Poor Spike.

[theemdash]

Thanks for commenting!

[fan-spagle.livejournal.com]

wow so good

[theemdash]

Thank you. Glad to know you enjoyed it.

[theemdash]

I promised to write what my flist gave me, and coming up with an approach to this pairing that made sense to me was difficult, but darkness did make sense so I went with it. I kind of like how Tara's light cast Spike further in shadow.

Thanks so much for reading! :)